Monday, April 4, 2011

April 4th

"He used often to say there was only one Road; that it was like a great river: its springs were at every doorstep, and every path was its tributary."

It occurs to me how much of myself I place in my writing. In fact, this is so true that I'm certain (if I were a mass murderer) I would've created dozens of horcruxes by now, in the form of blog posts or journals or essays or facebook status updates.

And it occurs to me how much of myself I miss when I don't write... The horcrux analogy wasn't a perfect metaphor, because it's not really that I'm loosing parts of my soul: it's that I'm discovering and then displaying them.

I'm going to re-open this door, and follow the path it takes me to--before I lose myself in the idleness I have succumbed to in these past few days.

I'm not promising every-day, but that's what I'm shooting for. Just a little quip, maybe some thoughts from my day, to prove to myself that I think about a wide variety of things.

Here is something you probably know about me: I thirst for adventure. I feel confined, trapped while I'm still in school, but I am perhaps only trapped by my trepidation as I am unsure how to go out into the world. I am unsure where to go, or how to be out there, alone--I don't know how to book a hotel or if I'd be okay sleeping outside or if I'd get myself into dangerous, life-threatening situations. But I would still like to leave, to go out into the world and see what it's like. I tell myself that if I wasn't in school or if I had enough money, then I'd undoubtedly do it--but would I? Do I really need the security of money? Is there any way I could do it without? Perhaps I could live in an ashram in India--but the thought of something that unknown terrifies me. What if they don't speak english? What if I can't communicate with anybody? What if I'm freaking out unnecessarily, here?

I guess... it just comes down to me taking that first step out of my door, the way Bilbo talked about. I just have to follow that road. I will wait for what seems like the opportune moment, or, if it hasn't arrived by the summer--say, july--I will force it into existence.

Today, I: Woke up, read some, sat around thinking about my life, wrote a little, wrote a blog... am planning on going camping later with a bunch of people I don't really know. But first things first: breakfast with my mom and walking (or bike-riding?) into town to buy a present for one of the people I don't really know that I'm camping with.
I love: The dynamism of stillness and strong wind; pre-storm weather; storms; clouds, sunlight, green grass and new clover; the thought of adventure; the thought of returning to Austin for a few days; the contents of my wardrobe; the people close to me; feeling as though I've got my feet on solid ground; feeling as though nothing can affect me negatively (something that happens very sparingly)...
I want: Adventure. Constantly flowing change, growth, to feel as though I'm living my life to the fullest extent. Experiences. To never say "no" if someone asks something of me, provided it will not put my body in harm. To chase after spirituality and to learn to fully open my heart and mind to others. Breakfast.

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