Stop-Bitching-and-Man-Up

Oh, hello. I almost forgot I had a blog. It's been quite a while since I've... done anything, really.

Every so often, for hours on end I slowly waste away, stuck in the murkiest pools of my mind. Repeating insecurities to myself more often than my mantra: I'm too skinny. I'm too addicted to food. I am incapable of being alone. I don't really do very much. I am horrible at conserving money. Whatever the reason, no matter how insignificant, I exploit it. I mine it for all it's worth, until I end up alone in bed, staring wide-eyed out the window at midnight feeling as though my spirit has just curled up and died inside my body.

This is so incredibly stupid. My life is wonderful. Even if this misery is only about 10% of my waking time, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being moody for no goddamn reason. I have a theory it's the seeds of boredness that sprout into this misery, watered by my lack-of-will and skipped meditations. I should be THRIVING in my free time. I should be using it to do a bunch of crafty things, discover new hobbies, make new friends...

Ahem.

Allow me to re-introduce myself.

My name is Michelle, and as of approximately 45 seconds ago, I have decided to stop being randomly miserable. I enjoy going to bed quite early, though I am rather bad at it. I am twenty years old, though I secretly wish I was already in my early thirties. I want to hang out with kids, all the time, every day. I am getting a degree in Literature, even though I want to teach pre-school. I am forever devoted to the teachings of Maharishi. I am trying to sell some crap on ebay. I occasionally enjoy acts of creativity. Last month I made a spoon while on a camping trip.

Here is my fiance posing on a bridge. I swear he's manlier when on the ground.

This is what I had for breakfast the other day. Weren't you just dying to know that?

I am rather tired. As part of my Stop-Bitching-And-Man-Up Decree, I have decided to go to bed earlier than midnight. So far so good! It has been... zero nights. But as it's only 9:21pm, I have not yet failed! I wonder if I have any e-mails...

News

As of late, I have felt a strong desire to expand my intelligence and become more informed about the ongoings of our world. Naturally, this means I have been doing a little bit of research on Osama Bin Laden. I've compiled a list of facts I found interesting.

• It is said that he has married four women, the first of whom he married at 17. By 2002, he is said to have somewhere between 12 and 26 children.
• He wrote poetry in college
• He rejects "chilled water"
• His father was killed in a plane crash, when an american pilot misjudged the landing
• He was described as soft-spoken and mild mannered in demeanor

It appears to me that the reason for his acts of terrorism are linked to the death of his father, but his main logical reasoning, apparently, was the belief that the world should be placed under the Sharia law--the code of conduct of the Islam religion.

Sharia law, though incredibly strict, actually holds up well to my own ideals. Alcohol and gambling is forbidden, as is eating animals that weren't properly slaughtered (ripping out the esophagus or using a blunt blade, for example, would lead the animal to a cruel death and thereby render it impure for consumption); maintaining proper hygiene on all levels is crucial, things of that nature. However, they are incredibly strict on proper dress and sexuality (both in terms of their view on homosexuality and their view on fornication). I believe we--as an american culture--should have more digression about who we have sex with (i.e. you should actually know and like the people you're having sex with), but I don't believe in strictly marital sex.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to get at with all of this is that Osama isn't a particularly bad guy--he's just doing what he thinks is right: "purifying the world", in a sense, of all the things he sees wrong with it (the american culture and democracy, for instance)... Yes, he's incredibly mislead--the Sharia doesn't really have anything in it about the ethics of murdering other people, and he couldn't really figure out on his own that it's unethical--but I'm not fond of the whole, "justice is served" attitude. Yeah, this guy was killed--but that can't really make up for what he did. We make up for what he did by coming together and resolving the problems he caused within our own boundaries--with love and acceptance and kindness and working together to heal our own country, not by going out and occupying foreign territory and hunting terrorists.

...And for the record, the government never made the official decision to murder Bin Laden. He was shot in the crossfire (in the head) during the ambush. Obama called Pakistan prior to the event to let them know he was going to be arriving to assist in the capture Bin Laden--whereupon he would make the decision of whether to take him into custody or put him down... but he was dead when he arrived.

Something I also found nice: they gave him a proper funeral, in the ocean--attempting to keep it in align with his islamic tradition.

April 4th

"He used often to say there was only one Road; that it was like a great river: its springs were at every doorstep, and every path was its tributary."

It occurs to me how much of myself I place in my writing. In fact, this is so true that I'm certain (if I were a mass murderer) I would've created dozens of horcruxes by now, in the form of blog posts or journals or essays or facebook status updates.

And it occurs to me how much of myself I miss when I don't write... The horcrux analogy wasn't a perfect metaphor, because it's not really that I'm loosing parts of my soul: it's that I'm discovering and then displaying them.

I'm going to re-open this door, and follow the path it takes me to--before I lose myself in the idleness I have succumbed to in these past few days.

I'm not promising every-day, but that's what I'm shooting for. Just a little quip, maybe some thoughts from my day, to prove to myself that I think about a wide variety of things.

Here is something you probably know about me: I thirst for adventure. I feel confined, trapped while I'm still in school, but I am perhaps only trapped by my trepidation as I am unsure how to go out into the world. I am unsure where to go, or how to be out there, alone--I don't know how to book a hotel or if I'd be okay sleeping outside or if I'd get myself into dangerous, life-threatening situations. But I would still like to leave, to go out into the world and see what it's like. I tell myself that if I wasn't in school or if I had enough money, then I'd undoubtedly do it--but would I? Do I really need the security of money? Is there any way I could do it without? Perhaps I could live in an ashram in India--but the thought of something that unknown terrifies me. What if they don't speak english? What if I can't communicate with anybody? What if I'm freaking out unnecessarily, here?

I guess... it just comes down to me taking that first step out of my door, the way Bilbo talked about. I just have to follow that road. I will wait for what seems like the opportune moment, or, if it hasn't arrived by the summer--say, july--I will force it into existence.

Today, I: Woke up, read some, sat around thinking about my life, wrote a little, wrote a blog... am planning on going camping later with a bunch of people I don't really know. But first things first: breakfast with my mom and walking (or bike-riding?) into town to buy a present for one of the people I don't really know that I'm camping with.

I love: The dynamism of stillness and strong wind; pre-storm weather; storms; clouds, sunlight, green grass and new clover; the thought of adventure; the thought of returning to Austin for a few days; the contents of my wardrobe; the people close to me; feeling as though I've got my feet on solid ground; feeling as though nothing can affect me negatively (something that happens very sparingly)...

I want: Adventure. Constantly flowing change, growth, to feel as though I'm living my life to the fullest extent. Experiences. To never say "no" if someone asks something of me, provided it will not put my body in harm. To chase after spirituality and to learn to fully open my heart and mind to others. Breakfast.

All you really have to do in life... is love each other.

It sounds cheesy. By all means, it is cheesy. But when you think about it, that's the only thing that really matters in life. When you look upon the past, you don't remember your insecurities, or what you chose to wear, or if you got Starbucks that day or not--you remember the important people in your life, and how you treated them. And if it's with love and kindness, then you will lend yourself to incredible growth.

Here, just watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0X6q7nt15uk

I do a lot of complaining.

I know. I suck, right? Nobody wants to be friends with someone who just sits around and complains. Look, now I'm even complaining about the fact that I complain so much.

But in all Honesty, I've had to go through a lot of shit lately--and complaining is one way for me to get over it. However... I understand that it's most certainly not the best way, and that I've been dragging a lot of people down.

So I hereby (officially, on-the-internet) state that I will stop complaining. Forever.

...Or try to, at least, because that'd be impossible. Seriously, can you imagine?

...Wait, did that count as complaining?

Today, I: Made a collage using all the magazines I stole from my dorm's phone room. It's okay, I deserved them.

I love: My friends. ALL my friends. And art studios, messy hairstyles, silver necklaces, knitted clothing, the salt lamp I got for christmas, puzzles, horses, victorian england, france (and french), nerdy guys, KITTIES, the asian girl who left five pairs of adorable-and-perfectly-fitting-shorts in the laundry room's "free" box, Avocados, Harry Potter (as always), marigolds (even though mine are dying because they don't get enough sun), Krishna, Hercules (the disney movie), A LOT MORE THINGS :D

I must: go to Church. For some reason, for the past few days, I've been plagued by the desire to go by myself to a random church in town during a sermon. I've always sort of hated the organized christian religion so I don't really understand the desire... but I am definitely going to go if I still feel this way next Sunday.

Last Google Search: "how to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you"

No, it's not creepy.

I don't think there's anything you could do that I would find creepy.

...that goes for a lot of people, though (unless they're middle-aged men). It's probably because I'm inherently creepy myself. Hence posting a blog in reply to a text.

...Actually, that was because I can't send texts anymore. My service provider is mad that I'm poor and can't pay for cell phone service. I can still receive texts, though.

But yeah, I really haven't been keeping up with the internet lately: facebook, twitter, youtube, my internet-based-job... but my blog has been especially neglected.

Blogs are always born through stories I think up during pockets of boredom. I've had so much going on recently that I haven't bothered to keep up with it... Though, now that I think about it, when I get it back I could definitely put up a comic I made for class yesterday entitled "the adventures of Puddle Walrus". It's about a walrus that's also a puddle. He can fly.

Zooooooooooo...m.

ZOOM!! REMEMBER THAT SHOW? IT USED TO COME ON BEFORE ARTHUR AND THEY'D DO ALL THESE NEAT PROJECTS AND STUFF.

Anyway, I WENT TO THE ZOO

AND TOOK ALL OF THESE PICTURES

and I have nothing to do with the ones that didn't make the stop motion cut, so... here, have a look:

Check out the eyes on those goats... they're totally like Naruto's sage eyes but blue. BAM. And no, my Naruto contact hasn't come in the mail yet. Sad. : (

Today, I: will eat tacos later, maybe.

I love: GOAT EYES!!! (creepy) Also, terrible Hugh Grant movies. And cake. And Buffy, the show. And Buffy, the character. And Spike. And cookies. And SHUT UP MICHELLE

Recent google searches: lots and lots and lots of camera stuff.

COLLEGE IN: 13 days holy son of a MOTHER

P.S. SARAH LYNCH THIS POST IS FOR YOU